The Evil Author of Oz

A Self-Parody in Five Psychotic Episodes Yet Not Even Five Pages Long

(Lurline’s Fountain Pen, Volume I)

Episode 1:  The palace gardens in the Emerald City.  The Woozy and Bungle are sitting under an anvil tree talking about their roles in the upcoming book The Woozy of Oz.

Woozy:  No, no, no!  Your role is miniscule!  I’m the star of the book.

Bungle:  Wrong, you opaque blockhead!  You may get more lines but—

<Enter Scraps, stage left, running>

Scraps:  Run for your lives!  Run for your lives!

Woozy:  Why?  Are you being chased by a washing machine?

Scraps:  The Evil Author of Oz is coming!  The Evil Author of Oz is coming!

Bungle:  He’s just a myth.

Scraps:  That’s what you think, but he’s coming anyway!  <Exit stage right, running>

<Enter Aaron the Evil Author of Oz, stage left>

Aaron:  I, the Evil Author of Oz, have arrived.  What have we here?  A Woozy!

Woozy:  Uh-oh!  <Makes mystical signs with his paws, a hole appears on the ground, he jumps into it, and the hole disappears>

Aaron:  Rats!  I really wanted to use the Woozy for my spell, but I guess I’ll have to change the script so that I can use a Glass Cat instead.

Bungle:  <being picked up by Aaron>  Take the tree instead!  I have to survive so that I can appear in The Woozy of Oz!

Aaron:  No dice.  <Vanishes>

Episode 2:  The Evil Author’s office.  Aaron is sitting at his desk.

Aaron:  Hmm.  I don’t seem to have enough bad guys in this story.  I’ll just have to get some more.  Snorpus!

<Enter Snorpus, the incredibly stupid character from Handy Mandy in Oz, stage bottom>

Snorpus:  Yes, sir?

Aaron:  We need more bad guys in this story!  Go find some more.

Snorpus:  But we already have 99,999,999.2 baddies, which constitute the entire non-nice population of all the alternate versions of Oz’s world, plus all the Republicans in Congress.

Aaron:  But that’s not good enough!  Go find some more.

Snorpus:  Yes, my liege.

<Exit Snorpus, only to have him enter a few minutes later with Sharts the Shirtless and Blogo the Rare Beast>

Aaron:  What are THEY doing here?  They’re from a HERETICAL Oz book, Phillip José Farmer’s A Barnstormer in Oz.

Snorpus:  They’re all I could find.  They were playing chess around the corner.

Aaron:  <grumble grumble>  They’ll do.  Get lost, Snorpus.

Snorpus:  Yes, my lord.

Aaron:  OK, you two, what can you do?

Sharts:  I can do surgery and beat people to a pulp.

Blogo:  Ditto for the second, and I can drink several times my body weight in mead in a matter of minutes.

Aaron:  OK, I can use bad guys with your talents.  What do you guys want as wages?

Sharts:  We want to become real Oz characters, get the standard share of loot, and to have our wildest fantasies fulfilled.

Aaron:  Which are?

Sharts:  I’d like to keep my shirt on in a fight.

Aaron:  And you, Mr. the Rare Beast?

Blogo:  I want to be rewritten as the World’s Greatest Babe Magnet.

Aaron:  Hmm.  I think I can go for that.  You’re hired.  The conference is in five minutes, down the hall, first door on the left.

Sharts:  Thank you, sir.

Blogo:  Where are the babes?

<Exit Sharts and Blogo>

Aaron:  The fools!  I think I’ll drop them into a pit of maple syrup at the end of the story!

Episode 3:  The Evil Author’s conference room.  The bad guys are all gathered around a really long table.

<Aaron appears out of thin air at the head of the table, holding the Glass Cat>

Aaron:  My fellow magic-workers, I have gathered you all here to perform the most devious spell of all time.  I propose to create the one single spell that will give me access to Lurline’s Fountain Pen!

The Wizard of Wutz:  What’s that?

Aaron:  Lurline’s Fountain Pen is a device that will change me from an author to a meta-author.  This will give me the ability to force all other Oz authors to accept my vision of Oz.  I will become all-powerful!

Conjo:  And why should we help you?

Aaron:  Because I’m writing this story, and so I can give you anything you want.

Jinnicky:  I think we can go for that.

<Interpolate spell that takes 17 hours, involving all sorts of cool special effects, 17,000 verses of weird poetry, and feeding the Glass Cat to a Glass Alligator>

<Lurline’s Fountain Pen appears in Aaron’s hand>

Aaron:  At last!  Absolute power is mine!  <Evil laugh>

Episode 4:  A conference room in Ozma’s palace.  Most of the good characters in Oz are gathered around a large table discussing what to do about the potential threat from the Evil Author.

Ozma:  Settle down!  Now what we need is a way to stop Aaron the Evil Author of Oz from rewriting Oz according to his own warped vision.

Scarecrow:  He can’t do that.  Consistency with the Famous Forty makes it impossible for him to change it to the degree you’re depicting it.

Ozma:  Lurline’s Fountain Pen will give him the ability to rewrite the Famous Forty.  What do you say to that?

Scarecrow:  I’m not sure.  Excuse me while I convince someone with some sense of decency to start a 100% copyrighted series staring me.

<Exit Scarecrow, running>

Ozma:  Does any else have any bright ideas?

<Enter Mombi>

Ozma:  What are you doing here?

Mombi:  I have to tell you something!  Ozma, I am your father!

Ozma:  You must mean that you are my mother.

Mombi:  No!  Due to a series of bizarre transformational, memory-loss, and time-travelling accidents, I happen to have already been half of the people in this room.

Half of the people in the room:  Ew!

Ozma:  This is the type of thing I was worried would happen!  Now, do we have any ideas on how to stop the Evil Author before he strikes again?

<Enter the Shaggy Man, his brother Wiggy, and Kabumpo, all of them holding machine guns>

Shaggy Man:  Alright, I’m tired of the way Oz has been for the past hundred years, and so now I’m taking over!

Wiggy:  Yeah!

Ozma:  I think Aaron’s outdone himself for absurdity.

Shaggy Man:  Shut up!  This was my idea!  Things are going to be different here from now on. 

Ozma:  Do you really think you can get away this?

Shaggy Man:  As much as I can get away with this.  <Sprays the room with bullets, killing most of the people.>

Ozma:  This has gone too far.  <Pulls out a silver wand and changes the Shaggy Man, Wiggy, and Kabumpo into walnuts>  Now that’s done, is there anyone else left alive here?

<name excised>:  I am.  Unfortunately, I’m still under copyright, so the author can’t give my name.

Sue the Queasy:  Well, I’m not.

Ozma:  Not alive or not under copyright?

Queasy:  Not alive.

Ozma:  Then how come you’re still talking?

Queasy:  Uh, just a moment.  <Checks the script>  Whoops!  <Acts dead>

Ozma:  OK… Is there anyone else alive around here?

Jenny Jump, Number Nine, Lucky Bucky:  We are!

Ozma:  Great.  I’m stuck with a bunch of Neillian characters.  You’ll have to do.  Follow me.

<Exit all, with Ozma telling the dead that they shouldn’t be walking around>

Episode 5:  The Evil Author’s  office.  Aaron is at his desk rewriting the history of Oz.

Aaron:  Let’s see… I think I’ll then have the Winkies invade the Emerald City and use the Sawhorse for a—

<Enter Ozma, <name excised>, and Neillian characters>

Ozma:  Not so fast!

Aaron:  Ooh!  Like I’m so scared!  What do you intend to do to me?  I’m an author and can have anything happen I want!

Ozma:  Attack!

<<name excised> and Neillian characters rush at Aaron, only to be incinerated by the force field surrounding him>

Aaron:  It’s just you and me now.  What do you intend to do?

Ozma:  <Checks the script, then looking at her watch>  Five, four, three, two, one.

<The Woozy falls out of a magic hole in the ceiling, hitting Aaron on the head, knocking him out>

Ozma:  <Zaps Aaron with a magic wand, turning him into a walnut>  That takes care of him.

<Enter Blogo>

Blogo:  But it doesn’t take care of me!  Come to Papa!

Ozma:  AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

<Exit Ozma, running, followed by Blogo>

THE BROKER’S MISTAKE

Fit the Ninth

(being an unserious attempt at brid

by Aaron Solomon Adelman

They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;

     They pursued it with forks and hope;

They threatened its life with a railway-share;

     They charmed it with smiles and soap.

But the Broker, at Dodgson the Deacon enraged,

     For he gave him so little attention,

Set himself a new course and his feet soon engaged

     To a place that deserves little mention.

It was damp; it was dank; like a herring it stank.

     It was full of grey monsters inept.

It was so very dark.  Since he searched for the Snark,

     Did the Broker not see where he stepped.

Through a tunnel he passed, and emerged he at last

     With a terrible feeling of sorrow,

For he fell on the ground with a jolting rebound

     In the Midlander Kingdom of Morrow.

In a forest he was, and it cheered him because

     ’Twas a place of the type he knew well.

It was lush; it was green; with the bathing machine,

     ’Twas a place that some snarks surely dwell!

Something moved at his side, so his spade he swung wide.

     When he saw what he’d killed did he jump.

’Twas no snark that passed on, but collapsed on the lawn

     Was the now-headless corpse of a gump.